Archive for the ‘hope’ Category

we interuppt this vacation to bring you this important message.

July 31, 2008

I burst into tears tonight. TEARS. LOTS OF THEM.

Here I am enjoying time off and I check my dear friend of many years blog and became devistated.

Cancer is scary shit. I should know. I have seen enough of it in my life and profession to be able to make that diagnosis. And I love Lisa. She is one of the people who reminded me in a time when I needed to be reminded that I am an incredibly strong person. that I can get through the worst of things.

and I’ll be damned, looking at it years later, she was effing right!

But that doesn’t stop me from crying in the darkness in SF. It doesn’t stop me from praying. and it sure as hell doesn’t stop me from reminding her that I am always available for support. I can fly out. I can talk on the phone. I can do whatever is needed.

And I can remind her what she told me, “you can do this.”

Because you can.

As close as you will ever get.

May 18, 2008

Haven’t decided…

February 26, 2008

but am truely considering getting a kitten.  or a cat.  the reason being is ralphie, my old furball.  he is really missing the wimpster.  this mornign I woke up to find ralphie snuggleing one of wimps chew tows (the one that looks like a ratty old bear).

My vet said that the cat might become depressed and offered me a Rx of PROZAC.  not kidding you either!  I turned him down.  he also suggested another pet for company and excerise for Ralph.  Finding housing in SF is easier without a dog… I was LUCKY to find this little house 2 years ago.  Thank god for rent control but I think we are outgrowing it.

I think I might get a cat.

Katie and Iris show up at the end of the week.  I wonder what Katie has in store for the surprise?

it’s offical

February 11, 2008

I am going to have to have my cast on my left hand extended to my elbow. ugh. the main problem here is that when I use a scalpel I use my left hand. this has made life at work very interesting the past few weeks.

I am going to have to go on disabilty now. This actually is pretty good timeing if I must say so because two of my sisters are flying in (Iris, who has been living in “fucking texas!” for the past three years and my older sister, Katie, is coming in from japan.) I guess I will be able to spend time with them.

In the mean time, I am almost off the graveyard rotation. How nice is that? Finally, Rick and I can sleep at the same time.

by the way, coming soon, to a las vegas near you… Rachel and Ricky. Yes, thats right, the Fog City Mom and Boy are on their way as of Wednesday to the bright lights of Las Vegas for a convention. woo hoo!!! I am going to gamble!!!!

when we get back, Sean is taking Ricky to Ireland for a week to visit his granny. She lives in Belfast. Let’s face it, Rick is one travelling little boy!

Drawn to the violence of change.

February 5, 2008

I know you may find this shocking, but I didn’t start out my life wanting to work with dead bodies.  Let’s face it; no one in the medical field really wants to work in the morgue.  I guess you can say it was by accident that I wound up here.  But that’s a story for another day.

Medical folk are supposed to be compassionate people.  However, sometimes along our journeys in this world, we forget about it.  We forget that the people we are diagnosis-ing, treating, or wheeling out in a body bag are people like ourselves.  We fall into a nasty habit of seeing patients as their diagnosis.  We see 90-year-old male, end stage CA with mets to the brain and HX of CHF.  We don’t see the world war two vet who stormed Normandy.  The one who met the love of his life in school at age 14?  We don’t see the man who raised three boys and three girls on the salary of a postman.  We don’t see that he has 13 grandchildren and a brand new baby grand daughter.  We see the diagnosis.  We shut off emotion of feeling so that we can help everyone we find.

And I hate it.

I hate this fact that the places I work have become cold so cold that we forget why we got into our work to begin with!

Today Josh and I went to get a body from un-named overcrowded and evil hospital.  It’s the kind of hospitals that you see in movies where people die because they don’t care.  It’s overcrowded to the point where people in ER who can’t get admitted to said hospital are on gurneys in the hallways.   Oh yes, it’s a place where compassion is little and cold runs rampant.

While walking though the hospital ED to get our pick up, an arm reached out and grabbed me.  It was a little old lady.  She called me Karen.  I started to tell her that I wasn’t Karen but she held onto my hand and told me how happy she was.  She was end stage.  It was obvious from the nails, breathing, hair, and coloring.

Josh doubled back and asked me if I was coming.  I looked at the old lady.  I said I was going to stay.  Right there.  In the hallway. With her.

“Rachel, we really need to go and get the package.”

The little old lady had closed her eyes.  “Josh,” I asked, “when did you get so cold?  When did you stop caring?  You go get the package.  It’s not like you’ve never done it before.”

“Snowflake, you care too much sometimes,” said Josh as he walked away to go get the package.

The moral of this story is that the little old lady died while I was there holding her hand.  I never found out who Karen was.  And yes, I cried.  Because I have compassion for people.

In the car, josh paid me a compliment.  Thanks to my photographic memory, here it is, word for word…

“You know what snowflake?  You remind me why it’s so hard to be in this job.  You can’t quit this job because we need you to remind us why we need to be human even though we don’t feel it with emotions.  We need you and Ricky to remind us about life instead of all this death.  Don’t quit.”


February 2, 2008

My brother Linus… he’s getting married.

the problem with this is kind of simple. he lives in eastern europe. for Ricky and I to fly there next summer will be pricey. in fact, it’s something I can’t afford.  believe it or not… my OH-SO-GLAMMEROUS Job doesn’t pay as well as you would expect.

Today he calls to tell me darla (his fiancee) wants to get married in her hometown… SYDNEY. Holy cow. I thought it was expensive to fly to the czech republic? it’s FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS to get ME AND RICKY to sydney. I can’t do that. I am barely surviving here as it is. and of course, Linus is say, “If you really loved me you would come.” Ok, he’s not REALLY saying that but you know he’s thinking it!

SO now I am selling DVDs, CDs, Furnitaure, Clothing, and quite possibly my soul… all to get to a freaking wedding!!!

anyone have any other suggestions? because I have another wedding in vancouver in September (which I am in) and now this! and I need the car tuned up (badly!) and I wanted to go to blogher. I think blogher might have to be given up.

I am totally bummed.

oh yes… and voting closes in a few hours on the contest

It’s 2 am and I must be lonely… no really, it IS 2 am….

February 2, 2008

Here is the thing.  Ricky is back with sean for the weekend (yes, ia ma still very mad that voldomort is getting so much time with Ricky,especially since he hasn’t care d fo rhte part oh I don’t know, two years.) 


Maybe that’s why it’s literally 2am an d I am a wee bit drunk.  And Ralph, the doggie, is biting my foot right now.


So what has mommy deareast been drinking to fiuck her up this badly?  Ahhh… Trader Joe’s Vintage Ale 2007.  Tee hee.  If you don’t know what it is, whell then you are so fucked you have no idea.


It’s 2am.  Nad maybe it takes this much beer and cheesey movies and music ot know that I am not happy where I am in lfe right mow.  I mean, Ricky rocks my world for ever and ever… but I am not ahppy when hes’ not here. 


Is it possible tha t a pserson can build there life around something so simple that when it’s missing in action that it  feels like their world stops?  B ecuas e that is how I feet about Ricky roo. 


And movies from the 90d are becoming dated fue to the hair styles.


Oh.. this is why fcm   never drinks.  Too muchthinking.


And no I am not going to spell check this.

Protected: shelter. give me shelter from the coming storm.

January 14, 2008

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Sunday Secrets

December 30, 2007



hm. dating. interesting.

December 9, 2007

Why do I always feel like I am working too hard?

I feel like I need to be entrtaining and witty and spunky.

I feel liek I am trying waaaaaaaaay too freaking hard.

got another kiss. very simple. wants to do it again. only problem is I have Ricky on the day proposed. he didn’t seem to want to hang out with Ricky.

Truth is i probably wouldn’t let him.

more later, I have a lot of laundry to do.