Archive for the ‘saddness’ Category

we interuppt this vacation to bring you this important message.

July 31, 2008

I burst into tears tonight. TEARS. LOTS OF THEM.

Here I am enjoying time off and I check my dear friend of many years blog and became devistated.

Cancer is scary shit. I should know. I have seen enough of it in my life and profession to be able to make that diagnosis. And I love Lisa. She is one of the people who reminded me in a time when I needed to be reminded that I am an incredibly strong person. that I can get through the worst of things.

and I’ll be damned, looking at it years later, she was effing right!

But that doesn’t stop me from crying in the darkness in SF. It doesn’t stop me from praying. and it sure as hell doesn’t stop me from reminding her that I am always available for support. I can fly out. I can talk on the phone. I can do whatever is needed.

And I can remind her what she told me, “you can do this.”

Because you can.

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Arguing about culture, people and SF.

July 22, 2008

My car broke down. Saying that is an understatement. Came to a grinding halt in the middle of a crappy part of SF in the noon hour is more like it. Had it towed over to ye old repair shop and started to walk to the bus stop with Rick and Stan a few blocks away.

Stan and I got into a disagreement. A BIG ONE. Stan is a guy. He is strong. He is smart. He can handle himself. I am a girl. I am strong, though not as strong, but small. I can handle myself most of the time. Rick was with us. He’s three for Christ’s sake. He can handle his stuffed rabbit.

We are walking through not such a great neighborhood and I am a little antsy. Stan says, and I quote, “there is nothing to worry about. There are three of us.”

Hm. Interesting. The way I look at it is there are 2.5 of us and it doesn’t really matter if you are a guy, I am a girl walking with her child.

In other words, I am an easy target. Doesn’t help that I am carrying my dell in my diaper bag. It doesn’t matter if there are three of us. There is my child and myself. Easy targets. I have been in this city all my life. I know when it’s not a great time to be in certain areas. And sometimes, it doesn’t matter if it’s noon on a Tuesday, there are just some areas that you don’t want to be.

Now, here is the kicker: I tried to explain to him that it doesn’t matter that it’s noon on Tuesday. I am a girl. I have a kid with me. There is an imminent amount of danger that he can’t even to begin to rationalize because of one simple fact: HE IS MALE.

Recently, there was a disagreement in the media about the N word. I hate this word. I have never used this word and never will. Even when reading Tom Sawyer in high school I would skip it. I just refuse. Anyway, the argument is that white people should never use that word while Africa Americans can use it. Hey, that’s fine and I can understand why this is. It makes sense in reclaiming the word and history. However, I can’t say that I will ever come close to understanding the hatred because there is nothing compairable for me to be called.

But Stan decided to argue the point with me that I shouldn’t feel afraid because I am in a bad area of town, I am a girl and I am walking with a baby. I used the N-word controversy as an example. And he didn’t get it. But then again, I don’t expect him to. Because he’s male. He will never have to worry about the things that, as a woman, come into my life everyday. I have experienced and seen some really fucked up shit in my life as a woman. Things that wouldn’t even begin to cross a man’s mind in the middle of the day will enter mine because, unfortunetly in this society, they have to. So no, I don’t expect him to GET IT but I expect him to respect that he won’t get it because of these reasons.

I mean, ladies, am I wrong to worry about my child and myself?

And since he’s reading this because, let’s face it, you met some really rad people this week, I would hop that maybe seeing it in writing may affect your judgement and open your eyes a bit. 🙂

So true…

July 5, 2008

So where the hell have I been?

March 16, 2008

It’s kind of interesting when you world may or may not come to an end.  Last week I went and saw that documentry with Smiling Mom.  It was great.  it was loooooooooooong.  I noted that about 4 hours into it my head hurt every time that I looked down.  and I don’t mean when I moved my entire head, I mean just my eyes… if I looked down there was a sharp pain in my sinus cavity area.

ok, I think, I have a cold coming on.  no problem.

two days later, there is a problem.  this isn’t a cold.  I can’t move.  I can’t walk, talk, sit up, surf, drive.  My head feels like it’s going to explode.  I go to the doc.  not a sinus infection. just a viral thing.  ok cool.

yesterday, I can’t get out of bed.  I can’t move without falling over.  the room is spinning (as if drunk but I don’t drink often).  I can’t even crawl.  obviously, there is something wrong.  I went in for a brain scan.

and now I just wait.

and wait

and wait

and wait.

there is something wrong.  but no one knows what.

since it literally took me 45 minutes to type this because I am so dizzy, you see why things are backed up in my world.

and I still chase after my little bunny.

fuck!

Jennifer’s 37th bday!

February 24, 2008

What’s the rule on drunk blogging again?

Jennifer went out with me for her 37th bday.  Jennifer is my brother John’s ex (before he realized what we all knew way before he did: he’s gay).  Today she turned 37.  we went out and had a lot of champaigne.  it was really fun to be an adult for once instead of a mom.

before I went out I tried to go to the gym at work and run on the tread mill.  however, running with broken bones and casts sucks 🙂

did I mention I am a little drunk right now?  I miss my doggie 9and my son) but what else can I do?  the seizure ran into a stroke and it’s really quality over qualitiy of life, right?

sigh. good night

man. this is harder then I thought it would be.

February 23, 2008

As of 10:15 tonight, my little man is on the way to europe with his father for almost two weeks. I haven’t been parted from him for more then two days since he was born! This is hard!

Mind you now I have time to myself, at least for a few days. Then katie (the older sister) is coming into to town from Japan. she says she has a surprise. When katie says there is a surprise, it’s reason to worry.

Iris flies in next week as well. She’s coming from Texas. She hates living there but that’s where the work is.

Both my sister’s have Usher’s Syndrome. I better make sure the house is clean so they don’t get hurt.

it’s pouring rain right now. on nights like tonight I would usually curl up with the baby and the pup. damn I miss that dog. I know that seems stupid, but I really do. I was thinking of getting another until Josh pointed out that maybe that wasn’t a good idea because it’s really hard to find a place in SF that takes dogs. I have been in this place for two years and it was hard to find it, so maybe another dog is a bad idea.

did I mention I have the flu? Fucking flu shot being the wrong fucking strain.

Can’t stop crying.

February 20, 2008

I miss my pup.

TOnight Ricky and I went down to the Marina to watch the eclipse.  Ricky asked me where whimp was.  I started sobbing.  Ricky just patted my hair and gave me a hug.  he was crying softly too.

any suggestions on how to explain to a three year old that the Wimpster is gone?  We said goodbye at the vet.  He gave him a kiss and after the eclipse we went to barnes and noble and bought Jasper’s  Day, Saying Goodby to Lulu and Dog Heaven.

and I still can’t stop crying.

last thing the little guy needs is a mess of a mother.  maybe it’s a good thing he leaves with his dad for Europe in a few days to visit the O’Dwyer side of his family.  My sisters are flying in a for a bit as well so maybe this is good timing.

RIP

February 20, 2008

Whimper

1997-2008

Black Monday

February 4, 2008

Today is black Monday.

What the hell is black Monday you ask?

Black Monday is the day after the super bowl.  It’s not the day the stock market crashed.  It’s not the day the world came to an end.

It’s simply the day after the super bowl.

I am sure you are thinking, “jeez Rach, I didn’t know you were such a football fan.” Well, I am not.  In fact, I don’t know who played or who won because I simply don’t care.  It’s Black Monday because in the USA the super bowl is the day that has the highest ratings of domestic violence. People get drunk.  They are into their game.  The lose.  They need to blame someone.  Why not the spouse who said something in the middle of the last play? (note: I said SPOUSE not WIFE)

Hey man, I am drunk, it’s easy prey… let’s go take it out on them!

You know what I do for a living.  You know where this is going.

I am not looking forward to work today.

It’s the most wonderful (?) time of the year

December 10, 2007

THe little match girl by hans christian anderson. holy crap, that guy has ISSUES!!

Let me summerize: little match girl is poor and selling matches in london one snowy xmas eve night. it’s cold and she has no shoes, coat etc but can’t go home because she hasn’t sold the matches. so in an alley way she lights the matches, one by one, so she doesn’t freeze. each time she lights them she sees a scene in front of her of the holidays, filled with warmth, cheer and family love. the last scene she sees her beloved grandmother, dead of course, reach out for her. she folds herself into granny’s arms. next day they find her frozen to death.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A HOLIDAY STORY?!?!! LET ALONE A CHILDREN’S STORY?!?!!!

Have you ever seen a frozen dead body? it’s really scary. really REALLY scary. and now to disgust you with the details of freezing to death…

there are three stages. the first stage of freezing to death is when your body tempature drops 2 to 3 degrees below normal temperature, which is 98.6 degrees by the way. what happens? you shiver. pretty badly after awhile. your hands become numb and your feet too. you can’t really do anything with your hands. Blood vessels in the outer extremities constrict, lessening heat loss to the outside air. your breathing becomes quick and shallow. Your hair stands on end to try to insulate you with you air and you get goose bumps. Sometimes a person will experience a warm sensation, as if they have recovered, but tin reality you are moving right along into Stage 2. (by the way, a simple test to see if the person is entering stage 2 is if they are unable to touch their thumb with their little finger. it means your mucsles are not working.

In stage 2, body temperature drops by about 7 more degrees. there is violent shivering and you can’t really control your muscles. it’s kind of like you are really REALLY drunk. you may appear to be alert but you are also really confused. Your surface blood vessels contract further as the body focuses its remaining resources on keeping the vital organs warm. you become really pale since the blood rushes from the face to other places. your lips, ears, fingers and toes may become blue, which eventually becomes BLACK.

enter stage three…

your body temperature drops below approximately 90 degrees. Shivering usually stops. It is really difficult to be speaking, and you have sluggish thinking, and amnesia start to appear. you stumble and fall and can’t use your hands. ever wanted to lose wait? metabolic processes shut down. when you hit 84-85 degrees your exposed skin becomes blue and puffy, muscle coordination? dream on. walking is alomost impossible, and your pulse? along with your breathing, slows down BUT it’s also possible to atrial fibrillation sometimes happens. Your organs fail. you die.

Now here is where this rant comes from. last night it was in the upper 30s here in SF. in other words, with freeze warnings and no fog to trap heat fromt he day, it was fucking cold. cold enough for me and Ricky to bundle in my room, under FIVE comforters, ralph and whimper also with us and my big heavy coat on top. IT WAS COLD. This morning came my least favorite part of the month of decemeber.

the first of the frozen homeless have come in to the morgue.

I hate this time of year.